


ab initio

by Nope



Category: The Spectacular Spider-Man (Cartoon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-19
Updated: 2008-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 02:30:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1626794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nope/pseuds/Nope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Flash works out Peter's secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ab initio

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Liliaeth

 

 

_Back off, Flash! I won't be your punching bag anymore! Things have changed!_  
\-- Greg Weisman, Spectacular Spider-Man 101

So we're in the mall, right? Me and my boys and the girls, because jocks and cheerleaders go together like beer and, uh, cheerleaders. Or something. I dunno. Anyway, we're all in the mall, totally working the burger bar, you know, chilling out, maxing and relaxing, just funning around. So, yeah, maybe some people got a little side-swiped in the rough-housing, but alls fair in love and football, right? Except suddenly Gloria is breaking up with Kong for about the fiftieth time this day and he's all "aw, baby" and she's all, "don't you aw baby me," so I'm like, "dude" and he's all "dude, I know" and Gloria is going "you boys don't know how to treat a lady right" and then Sally is all, "like, totally" and so Randy goes for the intercept with "hey, babe," but he totally fumbles the pass-off, because now all the girls are totally pissed at us. So I'm thinking they need a time-out or five, so I'm like, "guys, lets regroup", you know, pull back, do an end-run around, but Randy's still trying the foul play, which is typical, the guy never quits, which is cool on the field, I guess, but, dude, come on! Sometimes chicks just have to bitch and the only thing to do is bench yourself till they've worked it out. So, anyway, I decide to split for a minute and, besides, EB Games totally had the latest Madden which is a sweet-ass game. I totally rule PS3. So I says to the guys, like, "later" and everyone is too busy going at each other to notice, which is totally bogus, 'cause I'm the Flash-man, but, right, game time! And I'm dodging through the crowd like, who knew you could use this stuff off the field, and the store is all shiny, shiny, come buy me Flash, buy me! So I'm like-- Parawhats? Oh, right. Whatever, man. Don't be a grammar fascist.

Anyway, new paragraph, I'm in EB, browsing their [expletive] and - dude, I can't say [expletive]? That's pretty [expletive]ing [expletive] that is. Yeah, whatever. Man, if you were the government, I would be First-Amendment-ing all over your [expletive].

So, I'm in EB, browsing their stuff and they have this cool new Spidey game, right? You can swing all around the city and shoot webs at people and stuff. It's pretty awesome. All the tourist spots, like Empire State and Chrysler, and nerd heaven like Doc Connors's place - there's this whole level about that alien goo he had, where you get to fight Dark Kitten, the naughty cat-burglar. Kong says there's a patch where she's totally naked and will make out with you and everything, but cartoon porn is just weird, man. And it's even got our school in there, how sweet is that?

You made it? No, really? Dude, could you hook me up with--? Cool beans. Uh, I guess that means you knew all that stuff already, huh? Right.

Okay, so, I'm looking over the game? And I hear this really familiar whining sound, so I look around, and there is five star nerderama Peter Doofus Parker and the geekette. I think her name is Ginny or something. Gwen? As in, Stefani? The singer. What, you never watch VH1? Chick is hot is what I'm saying. Stefani, not geekette, although Ginny - Gwen's working the nerd chic thing hard if you go for that glasses-show-I'm-smart thing. Nah, man, Parker never notices her, which is totally pertinent to my narration. Narrative. Whichever. Hey, you said you wanted everything, I'm just running the play like it was called.

So Parker is totally spazzing about the game. I figure he has a hard-on for Spidey 'cause he follows him around everywhere and even dressed as the well-crawler for Halloween, in a totally weak way, like if they did a movie and hired Jim Carrey, but worse, seriously. Anyway, Parker is all, "this is totally unauthorized!" and all that.

"Of course it is, doofus," I say. "Spider-Man's a hero. He's not in it for the greens."

Parker's, like, "duh?" only it takes him about five dozen words to say that, and he's going on about corporations this and unfair use that.

"Spidey probably let them do it," I say. "Like, released his likeness under a Creative Commons license or something." And Parker gives me this weird look, so I say, "it's a thing you do, so you can give people stuff for free on the internet, dude," which is totally how I got all these cool fake Nintendo games, like Zario Kartz, and Monique the Hedgepig. "Anyway," I say, because he's still doing the thing, "Spider-Man supports capitalism. It's the American way. Why are you such a terrorist, nerd-breath?"

"Flash!" goes the geekette, and she's suddenly all fuming and up in my face like an angry pixie, which is actually pretty funny. Seriously, is that on the security footage, 'cause I would gootube that in a second. Yeah, man, you can get the games without pay-per-view if you know where to look. None of the cameras? What, not, like, even one? Wow, that's sneaky. I wouldn't have thought of taking the cameras out before--

No, I mean, that totally happened next. I mean, Gwen gets all up in my face, and suddenly Parker goes all twitchy like that time we gave Kong's little brother six cans of Mountain Dew in a row and I'm gonna say, like, "are you tweaking?", because nerds totally do uppers, I saw this TV thing, but then geekette is doing this bug-eyed cow look, so I turn around too, and there are all these guys in masks and stuff coming up, with guns and everything. Big sci-fi things. Hey, have you noticed how everyone seems to have ray-guns lately? You never see a cop whip out a Magnum, it's always a zap-gun. Sure, they're pretty cool, I guess, but they're not real guns, you know?

So I say, "They're robbing the mall? Who robs a mall?" Because, seriously, man. Not cool.

"I'll go for help," Parker says, which I reckon is nerd-speak for "I gotta book 'cause I am totally [expletive]ing myself," and -- oh, come on, I can't even say [expletive]? Geez. What about wetting, can I say that? Okay. Parker is all "I gotta book 'cause I am totally wetting myself like the little weenie I am".

So I helpfully point out that there are people with guns right there, coming in and ransacking the place and totally menacing the other customers.

"I'll get help," Parker insists. "I'll go out the staff exit!"

"You'd need the code," I say. "Wait, can you, like, hack it?" Because Randy's dad keeps his booze in a safe with those number buttons, so that would be totally useful skill to have. But apparently not.

Except Parker is trying to weasel off, and Gwen grabs him, and I can see the robbers are going to be looking right at us any second, so I start to say so and somehow we end up on either sides of the aisle, me and Parker down on floor here, and Gwen down on the floor over there, closer to the back of the store and I swear, the robber just starts shooting for no reason, like, blam blam blam, except it's more puh-kuz-zuh-zuh-zzrk, 'cause it's a zap-gun. Goes right between the three of us so then we're even further apart, and she can't get to us and we can't to her.

It's totally obvious, the floor's smoking and everything, except Parker is going "Gwen!" except quiet, like a really loud whisper, which is one of those moron things, but it was totally like that. "Stay there! I'll go--"

"Stay with Flash," she hisses back. "I can get to the phone."

"No," Parker says, way too loudly if you ask me.

She gets this look, like when we're fourth down with three yards to go and we're trying to decide whether to take the field goal or try and rush a touchdown and the other guys are all, "oh, hell no, you ain't trying that!" and we're all, "bitch, please, we all that", getting our mean on, you know? And the little geekette had hella mean. Like Zatoichi. No, wait, that's the blind one. The other one, with the sword. Ninja death stare!

Parker is totally whipped.

So I grab Parker, which is actually pretty hard, because he's still tweaking, but I do, and I say, "I'll keep him safe," because I am magninimus and, like, heroic and stuff. Magnanimous, yeah. So she-nerd goes off, and I pull Parker the other way.

"Let go," he says.

"No," I say. Because he's just gonna run off and get shot and I may not like the wimp but it's not like I want him to be flash fried by space weapons or anything. That's like kicking stray cats territory.

"I can help," he says.

"Can you MacGyver video games into a ray-gun?" I ask, because, hey, brain, you never know.

And he just goes, "you watch MacGyver?"

Which is just stupid because, explosions are cool and, anyway, it's on in reruns when I get up for breakfast Saturday mornings. Saturday afternoons then. Whenever. It's that or hockey and that's for Canadians.

"Fat lot of help you are," I tell him.

"I can see you're really in control of the situation," he says, only he's being sarcastic, I think, which is a bit off because, hello, I stopped him getting zapped by the ray ray.

"What are you gonna do?" I ask. "Stand up and ask if they'll kindly not shoot you so you can take their picture for the school paper? Bore them to death with a nerdathon? Get them so distracted by your pale and puny body that they're too busy laughing to stop me tackling them?"

Actually, that last one wasn't such a bad idea. We totally should have tried that.

"I mean, really, Parker," I say, "have you ever actually amounted to anything ever in your entire life? Osborn punked you onto the team." You know Osborn, right? Poor [expletive]. Sure, he was popping steroids or something and that's just lame, but his dad's a douche, his mom's a flake, and he's totally stuck in rehab like a pop star or something. Hey, how come I can say 'douche' but I can't say [expletive]? That's some bull[expletive] double standards, man.

Anyway, so I'm explaining the facts of life to Parker, all about how much of a loser he is, because, seriously, such a loser, and I have to half sit on him to get him to stay still because he is one seriously twitchy little dweeb. We have to keep moving because the robbers are grabbing everything off the shelves as they go - I think there were four of them, maybe? They didn't seem that old. I could totally have tackled them if I hadn't been babysitting. Which I was, as I explained to the big baby.

"What," I ask, "sets you apart? You're just another bench-warming schlub, thinking you're so smart, but when it comes down to it, you're the common man, just like the rest of us."

"That right?" he says.

"No different," I say, "except you suck at it. You can't even get up to normal, man."

"Oh, yeah?" he says, and he's got his teeth clenched which is pretty hilarious. "For your information, I'm--" And then he breaks off and looks away, total wimp out. "You know what? Never mind."

"You're what?" I ask, you know, rhetorically. "A doofus? A dweeb? A dork? A--" Damn. What means stuck-up but starts with a d? I really gotta learn this stuff. You know they make you take classes at ESU even if you're on a football scholarship? I know! So unfair.

Hey, are you sure you want this? I know you said every detail helped, but I really didn't see all that much of the robbery what with Parker and everything. Yeah? Well, okay. So anyway, Parker has just said his "I'm," dramatic pause thing. Like he has some big secret that he's just dying to share about how he's different, but he can't bring himself to say it. And I know he's not taking self-defense classes or anything, because he's a twig. He's a twig that walks and whines and says nerdy science things. So I'm kinda curious now, 'cause it's not like I have anything else to do, except wait for the robbers to bug out, so I'm thinking about how we came back from summer and he was all talking to Sally and like he thought he was suddenly a jock or something.

And then I have this huge flash of understanding. No pun intended.

"It explains everything!" I say. "The change over summer! All the photographs! The way you're always running off! That time you ditched the only guy who likes you for no reason! That time you were wearing perfume! The tryouts! Your fake date! Ditching your other really hot date! Getting me in a dress! The thing with Gwen! The thing with Liz! The other thing with Mary Jane! That time you were a complete asshole!"

"Hey!" he says, and then, "no, wait, that's actually pretty fair."

"The thing with Eddie Brock! It's so obvious now," I say. "Your secret! You're--" 

"Yes?" he says.

"I mean, you're really--"

"Yes," he says.

"Gay," I say.

"Right," he says. "Wait, what? What?"

I really don't know how I didn't notice it before. "That's why you stopped wearing glasses and started wearing contacts," I said. "And Tiffany says the thing about guy gays having great fashion taste is a myth, so that explains the clothes."

Yeah, he dresses dorky. I mean, Parker's not that bad looking, I suppose, except for that huge mole under his eye and his Efron-hair. And he always has the tag of his sweatshirt sticking up, but we never tell him that, because it's funny. But, I mean, if, like, Gloria dressed him, he could pass, you know. Maybe use that camera of his to pick up chicks. With dicks. Dude, I can say 'dicks'? Seriously, you're just messing with me, right?

Anyway, Parker is gaping at me, so I figure I better say something before he freaks and jumps up and gets his brains melted out, because brains is pretty much all he's got going for him.

"All those times I called you a sissy, it wasn't because I'm homophobic or anything, it's just you're, you know. Pathetic."

He's still looking twitchy. I duck down a bit more as the robbers go down the next aisle and I'm thinking, maybe if we can go around them, get the team back together, we can, you know, brain them with fast balls or something, only every time I stop paying more than total attention to Parker, he starts edging away.

"Dude," I say. "Chill. No one cares about that sort of thing. Seriously, the whole team, we're cool with that."

"You shoved Tobias-Werner Futherington-Smythe's head down the toilet," Parker says.

"Yeah, but not because he's a fag," I point out. "We did it 'cause his name is Tobias-Werner Futherington-Smythe." Some parents are just plain evil to their children. I guess that's why you don't use your first name either, huh?

"I'm not gay," Parker says.

"Are you trying to say you're bi now?" I ask. "Everyone knows bisexuals don't really exist." 

No, really, they don't. It's a trick played on gay people by fundamentalists to try and make them straight again. Seriously, I heard this guy say it on TV and everything. I dunno, some Coach for one of the big West coast teams.

"You just came out, man," I tell him. "Stop trying to weasel back out of the end zone. That's pretty weak."

"I'm not," he says, and then he gets this weird look. Weirder look. And then he's like, "I'm not sure. Yes. I am questioning and, obviously, as any real scientist knows, the only way to answer a question is with experimental data."

So I say, "huh?"

"I mean," he says, "the only way to properly test a play is to run it in a real game, right?"

"Right," I say, because Coach always says that too. No game plan survives the opening encounter with the opposite team. You have to be flexible and adapt to new situations. In business too? See, that's cool. And people are always, like, jocks never learn anything. I've learned business strategies!

"Okay," Parker says, taking a peek over the aisle.

So I say, "huh?" because this doesn't seem to have anything to do with what he just said.

And the next thing I know, he's kissing me! Like, full on, shoving me back against the rack, arms around my neck, tongue in my mouth kissing! Little weenie Parker is [expletive]ing kissing me, Flash Thompson, football star extraordinaire and all around cool guy! I mean, have you seen my girlfriend? I get the hotties, man. I get the hotties that make the other hotties jealous because they're mega-hotties. And little dorky weenie Parker thinks he can just jump my bones because I worked out he's as bent as a boomerang?

I was actually kinda impressed. That takes balls, you know. And not just 'cause of the gay.

Anyway, you know my mom's a sports shrink, right? And she says that when people are macking on you, you should, like, let them down easy so you don't crush their self-esteem, and be all, "I'm flattered, but that was a little inappropriate", so, you know, I kiss him back. Hey, I'm not a jerk, you know? I'm self-possessed and secure in my masculinity and stuff. Anyway, Parker is kinda girly.

Except while he's doing this, I hear this thwip thwip sound and there's a huge crash and the robbers are yelling and I'm like, "what the [expletive] is going on here?"

So I get Parker off - I shove him off of me, right? But, like, politely. I'm like, "dude, I am totally flattered, but I'm not really into you and, also, did you not hear that noise and the yelling? This is no time for dweeb-on-hot-guy mackage. Get off me, nerd-face."

I'm the hot guy. Well, I knew you knew, but I wanted you to know I knew you knew.

Oh, yeah. So, one of the robbers is going "oh my god, it is Spider-Man, we are totally doomed!"

So I stand up to look, because Spider-Man is awesome. And I see that the other robbers are under a bunch of collapsed shelves that have clearly been pulled down by webs, which is totally cool, I mean, it's not real property damage if you do it fighting crime, right? Yeah. So I look all around for Spider-Man, only it seems that I totally missed the whole thing because Parker decided to have a sexuality crisis and jump me. Seriously, I didn't see him at all. He moves pretty fast though. Superhuman agility and everything.

"Dude," I say to Parker. "You made me miss Spider-Man! You suck!"

And I guess geekette got to the phone, because suddenly there are police there and everything, and they're getting the robbers, and it's pretty much all over but the shouting.

"Sorry," Parker says. "You're right, I was wrong, experiment over. Also, I am going to go profit off other people's tragedy by taking photos." Did I mention he was kind of an asshole? Yeah. "Let us never, ever speak of this again."

Like I'm ever going to tell anyone that I let his dorky dweebness anywhere near me. Well, I mean, except you, but it's your mall, and you did give me the food and the drinks and computer game, so. Yeah.

"Seriously, never," he says, and then he's all, "thanks for the help, Eugene!" and he just books, just like that. And he managed to get photos of the last robber getting caught outside the mall right after that. So unfair!

Anyway, that's pretty much it. The police took our statements, no-one got hurt except the bad guys who don't count, and then the store manager said you wanted to talk to anyone who was there, and that's why I'm here. Sorry, Mister Lincoln, I didn't see Spider-Man at all. Yeah, Parker was with me the whole time, but, you know, unexpected outta left-field lip tackle. So I don't reckon he knows anything about it either. Dweeb understandably only had eyes for me. Totally stole that tongue touchdown. Kid has a bit of a spine after all. Who knew? Like, way to go, Parker.

But I'm still totally gonna smash his face for making me miss Spidey.

 


End file.
